Before you answer, ask yourself “Can I Live with It?”
Insights on Preparing for, Recognizing and Saying ‘Yes, I will Marry You’
It’s the day before Valentines Day 2012, February 13th a day when many single women wish to be in a committed relationship, spending the day or evening being wined and dined; a day when women in a committed relationship silently ponder, ‘will tomorrow be the day that he will ask me to marry him’. It is also the day that single women who foresee no hope of a relationship and are inches away from giving up on their chances of love and marriage are vowing to either love themselves or wish the day would come fast and go quick.
I will admit, years ago I was one of those ladies wanting more from a relationship and receiving the polar opposite. Today, I have the “more” in the love and relationship I always wanted. This reality did not come as easy as I thought the process would be, but it was totally worth it to be who I am today, a woman content with who I am (a creative communicator and facilitator), what I do (facilitate coaching sessions for focus and direction in lives and in businesses), where I am in the changing scenes of life (I am a newlywed), who is in my life (family friends and colleagues) and who I intimately share this new journey with (my husband DLA).
Process! How did I transition from where I was to where I wanted to be; the place where I am presently at? Little did I know the transition began long before I realized what steps had been taken. My awareness was heightened when I began to hear the internal question, “can you live with that?” This question was asked whenever I found myself reflecting or reacting to something in my former relationship that I was not pleased or comfortable with. Again and again I was asked: “can you live with it?” Being a person who walks by faith in God Almighty I discerned that the question warranted a response. Each time asked, my answer was consistently, NO!
Acknowledging that I was not in my ideal relationship through the inspired writings of Myles Munroe and Michelle McKinney-Hammon, I committed to an introspective process that helped me define the who, what, when and how of my desires. The end result was a personal vision statement for the kind of relationship I wanted and the type of man who I envisioned as the one for me. This vision statement became my tangible hope and assurance that “if it is meant to be, it will.” The relationship that I was in at the time peacefully ended, having realized that we were not the right fit for each other with misaligned goals and life visions. We owed it to ourselves to seek out what was our right fit. Onto to the single life, I was determined to be happy and to live the best life ever; a life better than good, whether single or married, come what may.
As a life coach, my experience is being shared with you to encourage you to want more, want the best and right aligned fit, believe that you can have, do and be all that is which is your ideal. Outlined are my learnings and discoveries drafted in a form that you can adapt to your situation. Are you ready to be diligent about having the love and relationship you ideally want? To deepen your learning endeavor to reflect on, answer all questions and complete each self-discovery activity. Journaling or audio recording your responses will help you affirm what you want and don’t want.
Know who you are. Define what ignites and inspires you, be able to describe what you are passionate about, identify what angers and irritates you like sandpaper. Understand what your personality strengths are and what may be seen as its challenges. Create an image of who you ideally see yourself as and release yourself from the framework of who others see you as, what you should be and do. Know what you are good at, those things that are natural talents, learnt theories and skilled proficiencies. Empty those waste bins filled with trash that pollutes your creativity and peace. Press the mute button on the negative prophesies of others who believe they can foretell the end of your story. Build your self -confidence by believing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, that on the day you were born you entered a community equipped to accomplish specific plans and have good success using your gifts which make room for you. Accept responsibility for each choice you made and forgive yourself for bad judgments. Oh! Once you really, really know yourself make no excuses for who you are.
Know what you want. Envision the life you ideally want to live. As you think and dream about what you want in and for your life, do so from the perspective that all things are possible. Capture those images that flash and rest on your heart on a board with pictures (a vision board or a picture on a refrigerator will do) or write a vision statement, being as descriptive as possible mentioning what you see, smell, touch, taste and hear. Acknowledge what you want more and less of in your life and endeavor to set short and long term goals for their realization. Establish priorities, defend their honor and protect their boundaries against distractions and other people’s agendas that may not be aligned with yours. Embrace your core values, live the values that you want to teach, demonstrate and model to the person, group or community you want to influence and make significant contributions. That is legacy. Once you have defined the who, what, when, where and how of what you want, there is no need to justify its significance to you. Remember, today’s newspaper can very well line an animal’s cage.
Know what you want to walk along beside you on the red carpet. Knowing who you are and what you want will position you to envision the type of person who you want to share life’s highlights, limo rides and long walks with. This much I know to be true, all potentials are options, much like shoes in a shoe store, but the one that fits should be the pair whose color, shape, make and size complements you most; the one whom you can see yourself with on your red carpet and those who you can stand beside on theirs. The red carpet is your life’s vision. Who will be the aligned fit to celebrate and cry with you? A glimpse of what this individual looks like can be easily captured in an introspective activity that requires you to list the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and social traits and characteristics that you would like and prefer them to embody. To embody as in its present state, not “I will help him be what I see him as” but “he is.” Use this list as your blueprint to evaluate the degree to which the potential person embodies your desired traits or characteristics. Don’t compromise! Be patient, allow the time to prove their authenticity, and with peace as your umpire, consent to the potential who embodies at least 70% or 7 out of your top 10 qualities to court you.
Accept that which you can live with. Accept! Notice the action, meaning that it is not you fine lady who is to be on the prowl. But rather, he is to notice, discover or be enlightened by or attracted to you. . My dear sister you are to be pursued, that’s a man’s natural strategy “notice and conquer.” Go about your daily affairs being you and doing what you choose to spend or apply your time and talent on; like the biblical character Ruth, know that your Boaz will recognize you and want to be in your presence. Enjoy the thrill of receiving the love, attention, grace and respect that you so deserve.
These self-discovery activities and questions are not the ‘be all, end all’, they are not hard and fast to any standard or degree, they are what helped to enlighten and reposition me. Exact outcomes are never guaranteed at the start of any process, but know this “once you commit, the universe will conspire to assist you.”
Kaylus Horton-Adams, a Certified Path Coach is the Founder of Dialogues; a company that facilitates learning and discovery for focus and direction in lives and in businesses. For more information about how Kaylus and how coaching van benefit you go to www.yourdialogues.com. Kaylus is married to D. Levar Adams, and the couple resides in New Providence, The Bahamas.
Copyright Nu Woman Magazine 2012. All rights reserved. This article was published in Nu Woman’s Spring/Summer 2012 issue.